Shadeylight: Vella the Virgin Vegan Vampire will be FREE until the end of March 2015.
Shadeylight will be coming to Nook (Barnes & Noble) around mid-April 2015.
So you might have wondered what I have been up to since finishing Forever Fifteen… well, I decided to write a parody novella of both Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey called Shadeylight: Vella the Virgin Vegan Vampire.
My spoof ties together both Twilight and Fifty Shades with a character named Vella Vaughan, a ditzy but beautiful chestnut haired self-described “petite former fashion model and tomboy” who moves to Sharts, a mall-infested suburb of Chicago, Illinois. Vella meets Xavier Cash, the dashing CEO of Cash Money Group Enterprise Holdings, an obsessive part-unicorn billionaire with a nasty meat-eating habit and severe mommy issues. Their torrid romance begins after Xavier rescues Vella from her own Ford Pinto, though he is never sure of Vella’s loyalty because of the proximity of resident Sharts hotties Jean-Pierre La Fine and Juan Changa de la Mer.
I poke a bit of fun at my own vamp series, Forever Fifteen too in the midst of all the “oh mys”, “holy Moses”, lip-chewing, weird lapses into British slang, and murmuring.
In short, I have found neither the Twilight nor the 50 Shades sagas have agreed with me after having time to digest them. Something about them begged me to take the virgin vegetarian vampire concept to its utmost limits. And I found a way to include everything in the parody from drag queens to leprechauns.
What do you think would happen if two of the worst English language books ever written mated and had a lovechild?
From the same sludgy scorpion morass of “inspiration” that brought you Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey comes Shadeylight: Vella the Virgin Vegan Vampire, the scintillating story of a girl who only wants to understand the workings of her no-no without actually touching it or looking at it.
Meet Vella Vaughan, hottie coed at Sharts Community College, the innocent, young, chestnut-haired, virgin sweet dreams are made of. When tri-color haired billionaire and concert pianist Xavier Cash sashays into her life, he sweeps her into a world of sexual intrigue that endangers her chances of wearing magical long underwear on her wedding night.
Xavier quickly finds Vella is not your average Mary Sue. Along with her tractor-beam magnetism (despite the fact she is an antisocial, narcissistic klutz with at least three personalities, including a nymphomaniac, bukkake-porn watching inner goddess and a militant vegan subconscious) Vella has her own vampiric secrets to hide.
Who will win the right to mate with our beautiful, vacuous heroine? Will it be Jean-Pierre La Fine, chesty three-wolf tattoed French-reservation dweller? Will it be Juan Changa del Mar, gorgeous, shape-shifting Hispanican art student? Or will it be Xavier Cash, capitalist oligarch one-percenter with rabid mommy-issues and a penchant for rapey BDSM?
Shadeylight’s ample features include:
-Heaving bosoms and straining zippers!
-Sparkling humanoid wussy men!
-Offensive ethnic and racial stereotypes!
-Hot guys making out with each other!
-Random lapses into British dialects!
-A fast food mascot clown with a bulge!
-Marauding bacon trolls!
Now with 78% less pedophilia than the originals, Shadeylight is the answer to badly written, first person narratives about self-obsessed, skinny white girls who witlessly discard every achievement won for them by feminists past and present. Read it now, lest productive thoughts and actual good uses of your time start getting in the way!